


catching my breath

by angellwings



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Honesty, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Short One Shot, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28993272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angellwings/pseuds/angellwings
Summary: He’s thoughtful and sweet and so incredibly selfless. She’s never felt cared for to the degree that he cares for her.What choice did he give her but to fall for him?Which is why it sucks that he’s still in love with his ex-wife. He has feelings for Sylvie, sure. She can’t deny that just based on their makeout session alone. He says he wants to try something with her and she believes him. But she cannot go there if he’s still in love with Gabby.
Relationships: Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Comments: 9
Kudos: 84





	catching my breath

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Here’s another one from my prompt game. The prompts is: “Lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.” Hope you like it!
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> xoxo

******

_“And I was catching my breath,_

_Floors of a cabin creaking under my step,_

_And I couldn't be sure,_

_I had a feeling so peculiar,_

_This pain wouldn't be for,_

_Evermore.”_

_-“evermore” by Taylor Swift_

******

She’s pissed.

Pissed at herself, mostly, but also at Matt Casey.

She didn’t ask to fall in love with him. She didn’t want to and she tried her damndest to ignore him. But every time she tried to circumvent her feelings for him he’d reach out to her or make himself tantalizingly available. Plus, he was always so incredibly caring. He offered up his time to help her and his shoulder for her to cry on. Whenever they were together he was actually present, actively listening to her and paying attention.

He’s thoughtful and sweet and so incredibly selfless. She’s never felt cared for to the degree that he cares for her.

What choice did he give her but to fall for him?

Which is why it sucks that he’s still in love with his ex-wife. He has feelings for Sylvie, sure. She can’t deny that just based on their makeout session alone. He says he wants to try something with her and she believes him. But she cannot go there if he’s still in love with Gabby.

She will not be collateral damage in someone else’s complicated divorce ever again. She’d been sucked into that trap twice before and both times had left her hurt and picking up the pieces all by herself.

She couldn’t do that with Matt. He’s been such a great friend and if they went there they would never come back from it. She’s already lost too many people; she can’t lose Matt too. So, she asked for space — temporarily. Eventually they’d been friends again. When the aching wound in her heart heals to nothing more than a bruise then hopefully they can go back to the way things were before she ever loved him.

It’s what she wants.

So why do her eyes well up with tears every time she thinks about going back to the way things used to be? To before he was her best friend, to before she had his sturdy shoulders to lean on and his strong arms to hold her. To before they knew each other quite so well.

Goddamnit, she doesn’t want to go back. Not really. She wants to move _forward_ but they can’t.

And now she can’t even move forward without him either. She tried. She’d been on two dates with this really sweet guy. Dark hair, perfect smile, piercing green eyes. He’d even offered to drive her to Rockford to visit Amelia. That’s where she was supposed to be right now.

But she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go through with it.

Memories of that same road trip with Matt were too fresh and too valuable to rewind and record over with someone else — no matter how handsome or sweet. So, she’d cancelled and then ended it. It wasn’t fair to him to date him while she was still completely in love with Matt Casey. They both deserved better than that.

So now here she is storming down the hall toward Severide’s loft — outraged at the world and the feelings she can’t shut off. She shouldn’t be here but she’s frustrated and she needs to vent and since Matt Casey is the cause of all this she may as well vent to him, right?

She bangs on his door repeatedly with a flat open hand. The sound is grating and frantic even to her own ears.

The door opens quickly, revealing a slack jawed Matt in a green sweater and jeans — looking absolutely delicious because of-fucking-course he would.

His brow furrows as he takes her in. She’s sure he can see just how angry she is. Her skin is flushed and her jaw is clenched while her balled up fists rest on her hips.

“Sylvie?” He asks in astonishment.

“You,” she sneers. “You know, I’m supposed to be on my way to Rockford right now with Greg. He offered to drive me to see Scott and Amelia and I was excited to go.”

Matt’s face pinches with a heartbroken expression and it dulls her fury for a moment, but then she remembers her heart is broken too and the anger returns.

“Until I remembered another trip to Rockford with _you_ and suddenly taking that trip with anyone else felt _wrong_ and, mind you, it shouldn’t because we are not anything more than coworkers these days. I shouldn’t care. You—you have feelings tied up in someone else so I shouldn’t have feelings tied up in _you_ ,” she rants, chin quivering as her anger is swiftly replaced by overwhelming sorrow. 

Sorrow that the man she wants more than anyone else will always want someone else _more_ than her. What did she ever do to deserve such a fate?

“But I do,” she continues, eyes watering as she speaks. “I have all these feelings attached to you and no matter how I try to ignore them they won’t go away. I don’t want to feel them, Matt. I don’t want them. I feel off balance and listless. Nothing makes it any easier and I have no idea what to do now. So, I’m here to ask you, how do I make it stop?”

His eyes are glistening to match hers and his face is wrecked with indescribable pain. He shakes his head. Voice thick with tears, he answers her. “I don’t know. If I knew how to do that I’d have turned mine off for you the minute you asked for space if only to give you what you wanted. I’d give you anything you wanted if it would make this better — if it would fix what’s happened between us.”

“Then lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again,” she pleads as one tear escapes, trailing down her cheek.

Matt steps into her space and reaches out to cup her face. His thumb catches her tear. He wipes it away as she instinctively leans into the warmth of his palm against her cheek.

“I can’t lie to you and, even if I could, it wouldn’t help,” he says, wrapping his other arm around her waist and pulling her against him. “If I agreed to lie to you now you’d never believe the truth from me ever again and I can’t let that happen.”

“Why not?” She asks, more tears falling onto his hand. “What does it matter? Truth or lies, I can’t seem to move on or let you go. So, what does it matter?”

“It matters to me,” Matt insists, leaning down to place a kiss on each of her damp cheeks. He rests his furrowed brow against hers and closes his eyes. “When I tell you that I love you, I want you to believe it beyond a shadow of a doubt and if I say those words now you never will. You’ll always wonder if I said them because you wanted to hear them or if I said them because I meant them. There’s already enough doubt between us, I refuse to create any more.”

“What?” She asks, blinking through her tears. Did she hear him right? She couldn’t have, could she?

He inhales deeply and opens his eyes. His sincerity clashes with her confusion and a serene smile spreads across his lips. He nudges his nose with hers and his eyes drop to her lips. For a brief moment, she thinks he might kiss her but then he steps back over the threshold of the apartment and the moment ends.

“Go home, Sylvie,” he says with a soft warmth she’s only heard a handful of times before. “Go home and get some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow and I’ll come over when you’re ready to talk — to seriously talk. Okay?”

She nods but she’s too stunned to actually speak. What just happened?

“Can you drive yourself or should I—“

“No, I—I’m upset but not too upset to drive,” she assures him. 

“If you’re sure?”

She can’t help but smile softly at the care and concern on his face. Some things will never change. “I’m sure.”

“Text me when you get home so I know you’re okay?”

She nods again, wordlessly agreeing.

He leans across the space between them and leaves a lingering kiss on her temple. “Goodnight, Sylvie. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And then the door closes and the conversation is over. Leaving her to process all the words left in between the lines as she walks out of the building and back to her car. Tomorrow can’t come soon enough and yet somehow the idea of it also terrifies her.

Tomorrow everything would change once again and, unless she’d heard wrong, this change just _might_ be a good one.


End file.
